How
to Ease The Stress On Children When Its Time to Move...
Moving from one house to another is seldom easy and never fun for
anyone, and if the parents fail to plan carefully, a move can be
needlessly traumatic for the children. If, on the other hand,
parents deal with their children’s concerns and needs
thoughtfully, much of that distress and discomfort can be avoided.
Children see moves
differently than their parents do, and they benefit much less from
that change in their lifestyles, or so it seems at the time. Most
often, a change in houses or communities heralds an important step
forward for the adult members of the family.
The family moves because
Daddy or Mommy has a great new job or a promotion in reward for
years of hard work. They move because financial success has allowed
the purchase of a bigger and nicer house in a more costly
neighborhood. They move because they can finally afford private
bedrooms for each child and perhaps a pool in the back yard.
In the 1990’s, mobile
and hard striving people typically live in a house for about four
years and then move on as their careers or fortunes allow. That
short time span is only a small percentage of the life-to-date for a
30- or 40-year-old, and it includes almost all the years he or she
can remember.
To a parent, this house
may be only the place they have lived recently. They think of it as
a way station on the road of life. To kids, however, it may be the
only home they have ever really known. This is their house, the
place they feel safe and comfortable and thoroughly at home.
A house is much more than
a roof and walls to a child. It is the center of his or her world. A
move threatens to take that sphere away and leave something totally
strange in its place. The familiar friends, schools, shops and
theaters, the streets, trees and parks - all will no longer exist
for them. Everything soon will be strange; they will live in someone
else’s world.
The impact of a move on a
typical child starts about the time he or she first hears that Daddy
has accepted a promotion, and often continues for about a year,
until the new house becomes home, and memories of the previous place
fade.
It’s not usually
necessary to announce this big change to children immediately,
although they must hear about it from you before someone else
breaks the news. Most teenagers see themselves as adult members of
the family, and will probably feel they have been left out if they
don’t hear everything from the first day, but it is probably not
a good idea to tell toddlers and preschoolers until they have to
know. There is no point in making them worry far in advance.
SENSITIVITY
and PLANNING EASE The TRAUMA OF MOVING.
Be sure to announce the
move in a totally positive way. You might say how proud you are
that Daddy’s company has chosen him out of many other employees
to manage a new office in Cleveland. Talk about what a beautiful
city Cleveland is, how good the schools are and how nice the
people are.
Tell truthful but very
positive stories about how nice the new house will be, with
particular emphasis on those features that will be most important
to your children.
If the new home is too far away to allow a visit by the entire
family after it has been selected, show the children pictures of
it from every angle. Videotape it, if you can. Emphasize the
positive views and be sure to include pictures of each child’s
new room. Try to name the house with some romantic description
like "Oak Hill" for the big trees and the sloping lawn.
Sugar coating will
help, but since children can quickly see the negative sides of
most situations, every parent must plan to deal with their
children’s worries, fears and sorrows. The children will lose
friends they may have known all their lives. They will leave
behind their sports teams, their clubs and the dancing teachers.
They will have to start over in a new place, making friends,
becoming accepted and fitting into different groups.
Younger children need
protection from fear of the unknown. Listen carefully to their
concerns, and respond quickly to allay their apprehensions. It
would be normal, for instance, for a young child to worry that his
or her toy box and shelf of stuffed animals might be left behind.
Find those anxieties and correct them.
Probably the best
tactic is to get the children actively involved in the whole
process. Don’t just promise to let them decorate their own
rooms, for example. Take them to the paint store and let them
bring home color swatches. Shop for bed spreads and towels and
carpets.
They must leave old
friends behind, so find ways to make that parting almost pleasant.
Plan a going-away party and let them invite their own guests. Take
pictures of everyone and make a photo album. If a child is old
enough, send him or her out with a roll of film in the camera and
the assignment to photograph the views they will want to remember.
Some relationships will
be extremely difficult to break, and these will demand careful,
thoughtful, personalized planning by both parents. How, for
instance, do you move a 17-year-old 1,000 miles from her steady
boyfriend?
Expect that your
children may be even more distressed after the move than they were
before it. The new house will not be beautiful the night after the
moving van leaves, or for months after. The furniture won’t fit
the rooms. The curtains won’t be up, and every spot on the floor
will be covered with half-unpacked cartons. The children won’t
know anyone at school and, if you move during the summer, they may
have little opportunity to meet anyone their age.
You may be faced with
many more problems in your new community than they will, but
remember that you can handle them more easily than they can. They
will need your help, and you should plan to give them the support
they need.
After the move, give
each of them a long distance telephone call allowance so they can
keep in touch with the people back home who matter the most to
them. Buy a stack of picture postcards that show positive views of
your new community, and encourage them to write good news messages
to the friends and relatives they left behind.
Make sure the children
don’t vegetate in front of the television. Get them outside,
where neighbors pass by. Teach them to meet people and make
friends.
Encourage them to
participate in as many school activities as they can handle. Get
them on sports teams and into clubs. And remind them that their
job is also to make grown-up friends for you, too. Tell them that
every kid they bring home has parents who just might like to
invite you to play golf on Saturday mornings or go on a fishing
trip Sunday afternoon.
If they -- and you --
aren’t making new friends fast enough, throw a
welcome-the-neighborhood party for yourselves and invite all the
adults and children on the block.
If serious emotional or
attitudinal problems arise, however, help is usually available and
probably should be sought. Ask a teacher for help. Consider
professional counseling. Don’t let a serious problem slide. It
can get worse.
Remember that the
newness will wear off. New friends will become old friends and
best friends. This new house may become the family homestead the
grandchildren will visit every holiday season. There will be
discomforts, but in the end, everything will work out fine.
To further assist with
this process I would be happy to send you any information about
the area of your choice that you feel will help with this matter.
Good luck and Best Wishes.
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